We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
