I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
