i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
