Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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