Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Everything about him screamed your future.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
