and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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