I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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