My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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