My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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