Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
