so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
