Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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