I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
