a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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