On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
