All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
