Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
