Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
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STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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