I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
