I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
