Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
