I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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