Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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