Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
