His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
