Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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