He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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