so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
