The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
