I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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