Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
