my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You can't just leave with hair like that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
