I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
