I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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