woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
