I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
