It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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