yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
