my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
