Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
