omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
