I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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