Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i out mim tonsoeep
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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