i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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