someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
