Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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