I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
