I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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