she woke up with a sticky ear
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?