The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.