you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
