drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
