Cold hands, warm shart.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
