I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
