I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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