just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
