this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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